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New Year 2012
‘Happy New Year’ is the greeting, isn’t it?
But will it be? And was it a ‘Merry Christmas’?
Both occasions can be a double-edged sword for many, putting on an outer appearance of enjoyment and inside feeling quite different.
So today I am not going to write about how to make and keep new year resolutions but look at the dark side of what is around for so many at this time of year - bereavement, death of a loved one, the anniversary of loss, or impending loss due to illness. These all turn our lives upside down, rip away the meaning, and question the very core of what our lives are about.
So how can we engage fully in our work and daily life when there is a gaping hole inside?
At times we may be able to focus and distract our thoughts, achieve some normality, feel we are back on track. Then something can trigger a memory and we are ambushed by an avalanche of feelings and as someone told me recently “split wide open”. And Christmas and New Year are powerful triggers.
If we don’t live in a culture that regards grief as a normal and important part of life, we may have no idea how to deal with it when it hits us personally, or how to support others. And the stress of appearing to be managing it simply compounds it all.
There can be a sense that others are hoping that the bereaved person will soon be ‘coping well’, back to normal, so that there will be no messy emotions to deal with. Well, the messy emotions don’t go away, and we either weep in isolation, or develop a whole range of coping strategies to suppress them, including alcohol, over- eating/not eating, not sleeping, withdrawing from others, medications of all kinds, to name a few.
Grief is a process, and when it is avoided, it can have damaging effects on present well-being, relationships and our ability to function and work effectively, as well as delayed mental, emotional and physical health issues.
We are not on our own
We don’t have to do this work on our own though. There are many sources of support available, even though it can feel so hard to reach out for it. Having someone to talk to, friend, family, counsellor or therapist, and it is important to keep in touch with your doctor if your health is being affected. A bit of pampering can comfort, either with a massage or some form of complementary therapy. Depending on personal beliefs, many people find comfort and support through their spiritual practice and community.
Try doing something creative
And there is something that we can do for ourselves, which can reduce the sense of being helpless and provide benefits at many different levels, whatever our skills or abilities. I have witnessed and facilitated this over many years professionally, and experienced it personally.
Doing something creative can sound a bit odd, but it works. You can engage in enjoyable activities on your own or in a group. For example, using colours and art materials, or making and listening to music provide non-verbal means of expression. Other creative activities include singing, writing, gardening, craft making, there are so many ways to express and release the difficult feelings of pain, sadness, emptiness, anger. And beyond this, they start us on the way to mending inside, redirect our thoughts, and allow us to be in the company of others without having to talk about ourselves, but sharing a common interest.
At the same time, we can find and build inner resources which help to get through the rough patches and create new meaning and purpose.
If you or someone you know is on this journey, feeling stuck, and would like a personal conversation to think about how to move forward, please email me to arrange this, no obligation. health@keystepsoaching.com
Copyright 2012 Jenny Cooper
